I hope you read this…

This is NOT a love story about 2 people with mental and abandonment issues…

I had a dream with you, it was so real I woke up crying…

I dreamed that we were supposed to FINALLY meet in person, after months of chatting, talking, video, photo, opening our hearts completely, talking about a future together, becoming a family, and building a home, I thought this was it, the “perfect” person in my eyes, you even called me your soul mate…

so today, finally I would be able to see your beautiful eyes in person and hug you and simply give you all the love I already felt for you that I am sure no one ever gave to you before…

because I know how anxious you are and it’s not the first time you run away from me… I decided to go with the flow and just let you be, I went to wax myself, mani/pedi, and all the good things to be ready, and I didn’t even think about texting or bothering you, we had a plan… but I never realized that they cut my internet off so I never got your messages and you never drove to me because you thought I was ignoring you or not interested, and when I finally got all your messages and wrote back explaining about the Internet and wondering where you were because the time of arrival was approaching… you didn’t respond, you blocked me completely, to the point that not even a fake account could access you, you thought I was playing as they all did with you… and I was more serious about you than I have ever been before… my heart was so shattered, you never knew what my heart was all about, you never trusted me, you thought I was like them…

this is how relationships end when there’s a lack of healthy communication when one of them doesn’t have the emotional availability, capacity, and maturity to trust, to dive into the unknown, to believe that finally, a relationship can work, trauma fucks us up since we are kids, if you don’t go to therapy WEEKLY to address all your wounds you’ll keep hurting YOURSELF and others… I would never on purpose hurt others, I have done my weekly hard work to get to the point where I am today, so it’s frustrating at this very point to meet someone so similar to my old self, afraid, traumatized, avoidant, a total hurting and hurtful ghost, there’s no way to change a persons behavior, yes, I want to save them and teach them everything I learned to get out of my dark hole, but there will be NOTHING you can do for them, they must want to change, for themselves, for good! and be emotionally intelligent to know that there are better ways, safer ways, and healthier ways to live a life in this already crooked world.

I honestly wish they woke up one day and say fuck this shit, I am going to help myself, love myself, and start working on all these traumas so I can finally be at peace with myself and others…

I’ll quote a book called MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE, by Lori Gottlieb (100% recommended!!!)

“We are afraid of being alone and we are afraid of connection. We are afraid to listen to what our hearts are telling us. We are afraid of being unhappy and we are afraid of being too happy (in these dreams, inevitably, we’re punished for our joy). We are afraid of not having our parents’ approval and we are afraid of accepting ourselves for who we are. We are afraid of bad health and good fortune. We are afraid of our envy and of having too much. We are afraid to have hope for things that we might not get. We are afraid of change and we are afraid of not changing. We are afraid of something happening to our kids, and our jobs. We are afraid of not having control and afraid of our power. We are afraid of how briefly we are alive and how long we will be dead. (We are afraid that after we die, we won’t have mattered.) We are afraid of being responsible for our own lives”

amazing right? so f true! it’s never too late to start living an amazing life, I am proof of it, any of my friends can attest to how much I changed after years of work, and it’s not that I am perfect or that I have every single piece of my puzzle together, no! I’m not even near completion, but the majority of my border is already pieced together and you must start somewhere, right?

I wish peace to every single soul out there, REAL love does exist, and you can finally have a meaningful, sane, healthy relationship, but you just need to love yourself first, work on yourself first, one puzzle piece at a time, one day at a time, I will ALWAYS be here for you 🐢…

avoiding life will only take you faster to death… we don’t want to die without living first, it doesn’t work like that, you will repeat the same patterns over and over until you learn and decide to fix the problem, I love you 🙏🏼